The word “finish” seems so… final. I used to be an avid runner and participated in a lot of road races (5k and 10k races, half-marathons, even one full marathon); to finish reminds me of crossing the finish line of a race. All your training has culminated in that exact moment when you cross that finish line and then, just like that, the race is over. It’s the end of the road. That’s how I see it, anyway: finishing = the end.

But as I am finishing up my internship at Sante Fe Writers Project (SFWP) and will soon be finishing the MFA in Creative Nonfiction Writing program at Bay Path University, I feel like I need to reframe my perception of what it means to finish. Because the experience I’ve gained at both SFWP and Bay Path is priceless, and I know it will stay with me forever. I truly cherish the time I’ve had and the people I’ve met along the way. Luckily, I still have two more semesters at Bay Path, and I know I’ll stay in touch with my fellow MFA alums well after graduation. Hopefully, I will remain in touch with Andrew and SFWP as well. Even this blog started as a course requirement, but it has brought me so much joy and insight into my own writer’s path that I plan to continue posting here.

Finishing, in this sense, feels not like the end of the road but more like closing one chapter and opening the next one. My writing journey is far from over. I have stories to tell, dreams to chase, and goals to achieve. I was meant to write. It’s the one thing that’s been constant for me since childhood.

There was a period after Dave died that I was unable to write. I was depressed. I felt stuck, unmotivated, and really thought no one would care what I have to say. My first husband once told me that he never listened to me because I had nothing interesting to say. I remember the conversation in every detail to this day.

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We are at Chili’s having dinner. He is on his phone, yet again, talking to someone he called as soon as we sat down. He always does this when we go out. He doesn’t hang up until our food arrives.

“Why don’t you ever talk to me when we go out?” I ask him. I’m nervous to ask the question, because I am scared of him. But I ask it anyway.

The question lingers in the air like smoke from a cigarette.

“You really want to know?” he smirks.

“Yes, I really want to know. I’m your wife. Why don’t you talk to me?”

“Because you have nothing interesting to say,” he tells me. “You’re boring and you’re kind of a bitch.”

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Because you have nothing interesting to say. I’ve held onto those words for over twenty years, and they rang loud in my head when Dave wasn’t here anymore to remind me that I have a voice.

And then I found Bay Path. Through the community here, I’ve realized how wrong my first husband was. I have stories to tell and people want to hear them. Through my internship, I’ve learned how to use my voice not just to tell stories but also to say what I am thinking without sugarcoating it all the time. My voice matters. My expertise in writing and editing matters. In this program, I have watched myself grow as both a writer and a person, and I can proudly say that I no longer hold onto those words spoken by my first husband all those years ago.

So, now, as I am nearing the end of this chapter, I know it’s not The End. I have the confidence to keep writing and keep pursuing my goals, achieving them, and setting new ones. I don’t know what the next chapter will look like; it’s still being written. But even though the future is unknown, I have a contract with myself, carefully planned and written out, to keep writing long after this chapter is finished. The contract is written to help me hold myself accountable and make sure I don’t lose sight of my goals again. I don’t want to go back to that dark place where I lost my voice and forgot that I do have something to say.

I am not finished.

Finish (verb): (1) as in to complete; to bring (something) to a state where nothing remains to be done. (2) as in to end; to bring (an event) to a natural or appropriate stopping point.

Synonyms & Similar Words: accomplish, polish, perfect, fulfill, execute, do, achieve, improve, perform. [1]

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[1] https://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/finish

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